How Not to Be an Asshole: Party Edition

We’ve all met them – the loud, destructive, drunk people with no respect for personal space and/or property. For some reason, they always seem to show up uninvited, or worse, one of your friends brings them along. WHY GOD?!

Now, let’s be real. If you’re a little too out of it, it can be hard, or impossible in my case, not to end up acting like shithead. And that’s okay – sometimes. Just, for the love of your social life, try to keep your drunken alter ego tamped down as much as possible.

So who are these assholes? Let’s take a walk through A-town.

1) Drunk guy who does not take a hint

He can’t seem to wrap his head around the fact that no, you don’t want to dance right now, and no, you really are okay just hanging out with your friends. If he’s extra fab, he may try to talk to you for a long time over really loud music, resulting in a lot of yelling and face spitting. Run, buddy, run. *This guy could actually be predatory, so please be careful and ask for help if he really is harassing you and you feel unsafe. *

2) The Emperor’s New Clothes Seamstresses/Seamsters (?)

Basically, they go around flattering the shit out of everyone. They might also be excessively touchy, flinging their arms around you and sighing a lot about how awesome and pretty you are. They are likely to either A) fall asleep on you, B) use you as a gossip springboard, C) cling to your arms for hours, or D) prevent you from talking to any member of the opposite sex without being incredibly awkward. Fun!

3) The Fuckboy/Fuckgirl

They really just don’t give a rat’s ass. They’ll smoke up on your couch, despite the obvious signage asking guests to step outside to suck up some cancer, mosh all over your living room furniture, raid your room, steal your sister’s lipgloss, break stuff, and worst of all, eat your snacks.

4) The Sloppy Maker-Outers

Yay for you! You’re kissing someone! Please do not it somewhere that’s not a foot from my nose. Thanks.

5) The Sloppy Drunk

This is the most pathetic archetype of all, but the easiest to pity. Sometimes it’s not their fault! And sometimes, when you step in a puddle of warm chunks, you want to kill them. This is the group that needs the most help though, so if you see someone who really does look out of it and sick, get them some water and call them a cab (or their parents)!

If you’ve ever been in one of these categories, don’t feel too bad. I’ve definitely checked three of the five at various points in my career as a hard partier. If you don’t go to parties very often, congrats on all your preserved brain cells!

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